9 Ways Of Dealing With Betrayal And Healing From The Hurt

九个处理背叛行为并得到治愈的方法

You’re feeling betrayed. Someone you care about, perhaps even love has broken the bonds of trust and done something that cuts deep at your heart.

你感觉被背叛了。那个你在乎的,甚至你爱的人,他打破了这份信任的连接,在你的心上狠狠割了一刀。

What do you do? How can you get past this betrayal and heal? Will you ever be able to forgive them for what they have done?

你会怎么做?要怎样你才能度过这段背叛并被治愈的时光?你能够原谅他们和他们所做的事情吗?

Whether it’s a betrayal by a family member, best friend, partner, or someone else entirely, the steps you might take to get over the hurt caused are roughly the same.

无论是被一个亲人、好朋友、爱人或是其他什么人背叛,你需要用来度过这段困难期的方法大致是相同的。

1. Name Your Feelings 列举出你的心情

Betrayal is an act. The emotions that result from it are what we mean when we say we’re “feeling betrayed.” In order to start recovering from the act, you must be more specific about the feelings it has given rise to.

背叛是一种行为。所有由于背叛这一行为导致的种种情绪形成了我们“被背叛”的感觉。想要从这一行为中得到自我修复,那么你必须更加了解由背叛所带来的各种感受。

Some of the more common ones you might encounter are:

你可能会遇到的一些常见的情绪:

Anger – you’ve been hurt and one of the most natural feelings in such situations is anger. “How dare they?! How could they?! They’ll pay for this!”

生气——生气是你被他人伤害后最常见的一种情绪。“他们怎么敢这样做?!他们怎么能这样做?!他们要为此付出代价!”

Sadness – you might become very low, weepy even when you discover a betrayal. This might be because you feel a sense of loss; a loss of trust, a loss of the person you thought they were, a loss of the happy memories you have of them, a loss of the future you saw with them.

伤心——当你发现被背叛这一事实后,你的情绪可能会变得很低沉,有想哭的欲望。这是因为你可能感受到了缺失:信任感的缺失;你想象中那个人美好品质的缺失;那些你与之共有的美好回忆的缺失;以及之后你每每触景生情感受的缺失。

Surprise – yes, you are probably shocked to find out that this person or persons have betrayed you. You might not have had any inkling that this was likely.

惊讶——是的,当你发现这个人(一些人)背叛你的时候,你很可能会处于震惊的状态。你可能之前一点迹象都没有发现。

Fear – you may worry about the consequences of this betrayal. It might mean major upheaval in your life and these unknowns scare you.

害怕——你可能会为这次背叛会带来的后果感到担心。它很快可能预示着你的生活将发生剧变,这些未知让你感到害怕。

Disgust – you can’t even bear to think about it or them because it makes your stomach churn.

恶心——你甚至想都不愿意想这件事或者那些人,因为你的胃里感觉一阵搅动。

Insecurity – you may question yourself and doubt whether you are worthy of love and care. After all, the person who betrayed you clearly felt you weren’t.

缺乏安全感——你可能会质疑你自己,甚至怀疑你是不是值得被爱和被关心。毕竟,那个背叛你的人让你觉得你不值得。

Shame – you may blame yourself and feel ashamed by what has happened and how others may now see and treat you.

羞耻——你可能会苛责自己,并且为背叛这件事的发生以及他人将会如何看待你而感到羞耻。

Loneiness – this is your betrayal and nobody else’s. “How could they possibly understand?”

孤独——这是你自己一个人的背叛盛宴。“他们怎么能理解呢?”

Confusion – you may simply not be able to comprehend what’s happened? None of it seems to make any sense to you.

困惑——你可能无法理解发生了什么?周遭发生的一切对你而言都没有意义。

It is an important step to identify what it is you are feeling at any given time. You may feel many or all of these after a betrayal – most likely a few at a time and swinging back and forth as you process them.

在每个时间段内,去鉴定你现在有着怎样的情绪都是很重要的一步。你也许有很多上述情绪,或者每种情绪都有——在经历背叛后,短时间内你很可能会一次有几种上述的情绪,并且在你处理这些情绪的过程中会出现情绪反复。

For instance, surprise and confusion might be the first things you feel, which then give way to anger and disgust or sadness and fear. You may then return to surprise tinged with shame.

举例说,起初你很可能会感觉惊讶和困惑,随之而来的是生气和恶心或是悲伤和恐惧的情感。再过后,你可能又会回到惊讶略带羞耻的心情。

There won’t be a clear or uniform progression from one to the other, but rather a turbulent maelstrom of emotion.

情绪们不会依次有秩序的涌进你的心间,它们只会带来一场情绪风暴盛宴。

2. Resist Retaliating 抵制报复

With some betrayals, you may experience an overwhelming urge to retaliate.

对于一些背叛行为,你可能难以自制的想要进行报复。

Don’t!

不要那样做!

You may be feeling angry about what happened and you may feel like they deserve punishment, but rarely is this ever a productive endeavor.

你也许会为发生的事情感到气愤,并且觉得他们要被惩罚,但是这种想法真的没什么帮助。

If there’s one way to prolong the hurt and delay the healing process, it’s by plotting and planning your revenge.

如果真的有一种能够延长你的痛苦并且放慢你自愈的进程的方法,那就是谋划报复行动。

Consider the analogy of betrayal as a cut or gash in your bodily flesh. A scab soon forms over the wound, but there is often a desire to prod it and pick at it. It’s itchy, it’s sore, and you feel the need to do something about it.

把背叛类比成你肉体上的刀疤或是伤痕。伤痕很快会结痂的,但是想要挑开或者戳痂的欲望总是在那。它很痒,很疼,但是你就是觉得应该做点什么。

Yet, you know from experience that the more you touch and pick at a scab, the longer it stays and the more likely it is to leave a scar.

是了,你知道如果碰你伤口的次数越多,伤疤呆的时间就会越长,留下疤痕的几率也就越大。

Retaliation is a bit like picking a scab: it’ll only uncover the wound once more and cause you further pain. And the more you do it (even the more you think about doing it), the more likely you are to carry that pain with you for the rest of your life.

报复行为就像是在揭疤:它只会让你的伤口再次暴露,延长你的痛苦。你做得越多(甚至你想要做的越多),你带着那份痛苦继续生活的机率就越大。

Resist the temptation to get your own back. The feelings will eventually fade and pass and you’ll be glad you held off from inflicting similar suffering on your betrayer.

坚持报复只会让自己得不偿失。那些感情会慢慢地消失、散去。你终会为你不被背叛者所影响而感到高兴。

3. Take Time Away 花些时间

When you’ve been betrayed by someone, the best short term solution is to avoid them as much as physically – and electronically – possible.

当你被某个人背叛时,最好地短期的解决方式就是避免和他们有物理接触的机会,如果可能的话,也不要有电子接触的机会。

That means not seeing them, not messaging them, not checking their social media every 5 minutes.

这意味着不要和他们见面,不要和他们发简讯,不要每隔5分钟就看一下他们的社交账号。

I know y’all love an analogy, so here’s another one for you: think of those feelings we talked about above as being fuelled by a fire. At first, the fire burns strong and the feelings glow white hot in the flames.

我知道你们都喜欢类比,所以这里还有一个为你准备的比方:把上面我们说到的情感都想象成是被加到火焰里面的燃料。一开始,火很大,这些情绪把火烧的又白又亮。

The most combustible fuel for that fire is contact with the one(s) who betrayed you. Thus, in order for the fire to burn out, you must stop adding fuel to it.

最易燃的燃料和那个(些)背叛你的人连在了一起。因此,为了不让火烧坏,你必须停止继续加燃料。

You must take some time away and break ties with that person.

你必须拿点时间出来切断你与那个人的联系。

Now, if they try to contact you (and they probably will), you can just tell them in a calm manner that you need some time and space to deal with what they’ve done. Ask them to respect your wishes and leave you be.

现在,如果他们尝试联系你(他们很可能会),你可以冷静地告诉他们,你需要一些时间和空间处理他们做的事情。请他们尊重你的心愿,做你想做的事情。

Your emotions will eventually begin to fade as the fire becomes mere embers. Now you’ll be in a much better position to think clearly and process the events and decide what to do next.

你的情绪将会慢慢地褪散去,就好像火堆变成了一堆灰烬。现在,你将能够在一个更好的位置去清晰地思考,分析整件事,并决定接下来该怎么做。

4. Examine The Betrayal 分析背叛

People do hurtful things for all sorts of reasons and it might help for you to think about how this betrayal came about.

人们因为各种理由做伤害别人的事情。而这也许能帮助你思考这场背叛因何发生。

Was it carelessness? Was it caused by weakness? Or was it a deliberate, conscious act?

是因为不小心吗?是因为弱点吗?或者这是一次计划好的、有意识的行为?

We all sometimes say or do something in a split second and instantly regret it. A careless act of betrayal such as revealing personal information someone told you in confidence is no doubt hurtful, but it is somewhat forgivable.

我们所有人,有时候某一瞬间会说一些或者做一些事情,然后立马就感到后悔。因为不小心而产生的背叛行为,比如说泄露了一些别人私下告诉你的私人信息的确很伤人,但这多少是可以被原谅的。

It can be easy, when involved in a conversation, to not be 100% focused on the importance of what you’re saying and things really can “slip out” by accident.

当你在一场谈话时没有投入百分之一百的注意力在你说的事情上,的确“说漏嘴”是一件很简单的事情。

Of course, the greater the significance of the information, the less easy it is to believe that your betrayer revealed it by mistake. Some secrets just don’t come out naturally in conversation.

当然了, 私人信息本身的意义越大,相信背叛者是不小心说漏嘴的难度系数就越大。有一些秘密是不会在谈话中自然而然就说漏嘴的。

The next level up from a careless betrayal is one that comes about due to someone’s weakness.

由于不小心而背叛的下一个阶段就是由于弱点而产生的背叛。

Some people find it incredibly difficult to control certain urges, even if they have promised you that they would.

有些人很难掌控某些欲望,就算他们向你保证。

Addictions are a good example of this. You may, for example, feel betrayed that a partner or family member has said they will give up drinking, only to find out that they’ve been doing it behind your back and lying to you about it.

上瘾症就是一个很好的例子。你可能会感到被背叛,比如说,你的伴侣或者家庭成员说他们戒酒了,但是你发现他们还是在你背后喝酒,并且对你撒谎。

Other people may find it almost impossible to keep what you tell them confidential. They just have to talk to someone about it, perhaps as a means of processing their own emotions on the matter.

其他有些人会觉得要他们对你私下告诉他们的话三缄其口简直不可能。他们必须跟其他人说说这件事,或许这是面对这件事处理他们自己情绪的方式。

It still stings when you find out, but perhaps you can have some sympathy.

当你发现事情的真相时还是会感觉刺痛,但很可能你也会多一些同情心。

Then there are betrayals that are plain and simple deliberate acts, either of malice or of heartless indifference.

最后就是赤裸裸的故意的背叛行为了,这种行为要么是出于恶意,要么是出于无情。

Perhaps the office gossip overheard you talking about a particularly difficult time in your life, and they proceed to tell anyone who will listen about your private business.

也许是办公室八卦精偶然听见你在谈论你人生中特别艰难的一段时光,然后他们转身就告诉对你的私生活感兴趣的人。

Or maybe your partner cheats on you, a family member belittles you in front of your children, or a business partner reneges on a deal you had agreed.

或者也许是你的伴侣出轨了,一个亲戚在你孩子面前贬低你,或是生意伙伴翻脸不认人。

These acts are taken consciously with little consideration of how you might feel.

这些行为的产生都是因为他们不怎么顾及你的感受。

Understanding which of these is most true in your case can help you to overcome the negative emotions and move past the incident.

懂得你所面临的背叛是哪一种有助于你战胜负面情绪,走出这场危机。

5. Examine The Relationship 分析关系

Someone you care about has hurt you, but just how much emotional pain are you in?

某个你关心的人伤害了你,但是你所经受的情绪上的伤害有多大呢?

It all depends on the closeness of that relationship. After a betrayal, you’ll probably find yourself asking just how much that person means to you.

伤害的大小取决于关系的亲疏。背叛的行为产生后,你可能发现你只是在问那个人对你而言有多重要。

Betrayal by a friend who you’ve drifted apart from and who you now see no more than once or twice a year is going to feel very different to betrayal by a spouse or parent who is very much a major part of your life.

被一个一年才见一两次关系不咋地的朋友伤一次和被你生活中重要的角色伴侣或是父母伤一次的感觉是大相径庭的。

How much you value the relationship will determine whether you choose to keep that person in your life or ditch them for good (which we’ll talk more about later).

你有多重视这段关系决定你会选择继续把这个人留在身边,还是把他们踢开(我们之后会说到)。

6. Talk To A Third Party 和其他人说一说

In these situations, it can help to talk through the incident and the feelings you have about it with a trusted confidant.

在这些情况下,如果你能和一位信得过的密友聊一聊事情的经过和你的感受,你会好受很多。

It can be cathartic to express your emotions outwardly and tell another soul what is going on inside your head and heart right now.

当你向外界表达自己时,情感会得到宣泄。告诉其他人你的脑子里,你的心里发生了什么。

The crucial thing, though, is to talk to someone who is able to remain fairly, though not entirely, neutral.

至关重要的一点是,找一个保持足够中立态度的人去谈论这件事情。

The reason for this is that they will be able to offer honest advice and constructive feedback about your plan for dealing with the situation.

原因是因为这些人能够对你处理目前处境的计划给予诚实的建议和有建设性的反馈。

What you don’t want is a yes man or woman who will gee you on as you bitch about your betrayer and add fuel to that fire we spoke about earlier. This may feel good at the time, but it will not help you work through your feelings.

你应该不想要一个男应声虫或者只是帮衬着你说背叛者的坏话并且往我们之前说的火里加燃料的女人吧。这种类型的人也许刚开始会让你觉得好受一点了,但是他们无助你挣脱自己情绪的桎梏。

7. Reflect On Things 仔细回想一下事件经过

When the dust has settled a little bit and your feelings are less raw, you might benefit from a period of introspection.

当事情尘埃落定,你的心情也少许平复,你也许能从一段自省期中受益。

This is a time when you look inward and try to understand the betrayal, the aftermath, and the longer term consequences in your life.

是时候向内心看一看,尝试理解背叛、余波还有给你生活带来的长远后果。

You might want to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, immediately after you were betrayed and consider how you might try to avoid similar situations in future (or act differently if you do encounter one).

当你刚刚经受了背叛,你也许想要细细回想一下你的想法,感受和行为,考虑如何在以后规避相似的情况(或者以后再遇见这种情况是否能采取不同的措施)。

To get the most benefit from this, some psychologists suggest that you focus not on asking why-based questions, but what-based ones instead.

为了能够最大限度地受益,一些心理学家建议你应该多问一些“是什么”的问题,而不是“为什么”的问题。

The theory, as summarized nicely in this article, goes that asking why something happened or why you felt or acted in such a way, keeps you trapped in the past, ruminating over events.

正如文章里总结的那样,不停地问为什么发生了这样的事情或者为什么你有那样的感受/举止,只会让你陷在过去无法自拔,反复思考这件事情。

It may also instill a victim mentality whereby you focus on what has been done to you and who is to blame for it.

这个习惯还可能会给你灌输受害者思维,借此让你把注意力都放在他们都对你做了什么,谁应该受到责罚等等。

What, on the other hand, is a more proactive question: what am I feeling, what are my options, and what will really matter most 5 years from now?

“是什么”,从另一个角度来说,是一个有前瞻性的问题:我的感受是什么样的,我的选择是什么样的,以及未来五年真正重要的是什么?

These are all forward thinking questions that can lead you away from the betrayal and toward a place where you can heal and recover.

这些具有超前思维的问题能帮助你离开被背叛的局面,给你指明一条能够治愈和恢复的道路。

So reflect, by all means, but try to make it productive reflection that doesn’t dwell too much, but seeks to move on.

所以,仔细想一想,无论如何,尝试做一些有产出结果的反思,不要沉湎过去,要寻找解脱之道。

8. Speak To The Person Who Betrayed You 和背叛你的那个人聊一聊

This is a big step and one that requires some guts and determination to take. But what do you say to someone who has betrayed you?

这是很大的一步。这也要求你拿出一点勇气和决心。但是你要对那个背叛你的人说一些什么呢?

Well, when you feel ready, it is worth speaking to them and communicating how their actions made you feel then, and how you still feel about it now.

好,当你觉得你准备好了,跟他们聊一聊他们的行为在那个时候让你觉得有多难过,还有你现在的感觉是什么样的。

One crucial tip is to structure what you have to say in a way that focuses on you and not them. This way, you can avoid putting them on the defensive and keep the conversation amicable.

一个至关重要的一点是尝试把关注的焦点放在你的身上,而不是他们的身上。这样一来,可以避免他们留有戒心,也能让这次的谈话更平和。

So, start your sentences with “I” and try to stick to the facts. Saying, “I felt shocked and angry when you…” is better than saying, “You betrayed me by…”

所以,用“我”作为谈话的开始,尝试贴近事实。说“我感到惊讶、生气当你……”比说“你用……背叛我”。

Be specific. You should have a handle on all the different emotions that you experienced if you named each one as we advised above; use these words to convey the impact this person’s actions had on you.

更有针对性。如果你想提及我们上面说到的各类情绪的话,你最好应该已经可以控制他们了。用这些语言去传达这个人的背叛行为对你的影响。

Not only that, but be specific about what it was exactly that hurt you the most. Is it that you no longer feel able to trust them, or have their actions caused repercussions in other parts of your life?

不仅仅是这样,你需要强调对你伤害最大的是什么。是你感觉自己不会再相信他们了?还是他们的行为对你的生活造成了其他方面的影响?

Put it all together and you might say, as an example, “I felt very ashamed, alone, and scared when you let slip about my pregnancy to our colleagues – it has put me in a difficult position with the boss and I’m worried about my future job security.”

结合以上,你可以说,比如,“我感觉非常羞愧,孤独,还有害怕,当你顺口对我们的同事们说我怀孕的事情的时候——这种行为把我置于一个非常难堪的地位,我很担心我未来工作的稳定问题。”

If it helps you to put your thoughts and feelings into words, you might also consider writing a letter to those who have hurt you. You can either give it to them to read, or read it out to them. This is especially useful if you get flustered in situations where you have to confront someone face-to-face.

如果你把你的想法和感受写下来会让你好受一些,那你或许可以考虑写一封信给那些伤害你的人。你可以给他们自己看,或是读给他们听。如果你面对面和他们交流会感到慌乱的话,这样做会很有用。

9. Cut Ties With Repeat Offenders 和惯犯切断联系

Whether you choose to forgive a betrayal and maintain the relationship will come down to a lot of things: the severity of it, how much you value the relationship, and the way the betrayal went down (see point 4), among others.

这里有很多事情你需要归结一下是否选择原谅这次背叛行为,继续这段关系:背叛的程度,你重视这段关系的程度以及背叛的方式(请看第四条)。

One thing to bear in mind, however, is whether or not this was the first time they have done something like this to you – or indeed to other people you may know about.

记住一件事,不管怎样,这是否是他们第一次对你(或是其他你知道的人)做出背叛的事情。

If someone has hurt you before, or if they have form that you are aware of, you should strongly consider whether keeping this person in your life is best for you (and best for other important people in your life such as children).

如果某个人之前伤害过你,或者他们已经察觉到你受到了伤害,那么你应该好好地想一想把这个人留在你的生活里是不是对你(还有对你生命中其他重要的人)而言是最好的选择。

Generally speaking, the second strike will put so much more strain on the relationship and your interactions with each other that it is best to call time right then and there.

总的来说,第二轮打击会给你们这段关系带来大得多的冲荡。最好在这儿就叫停。

A third strike or more and you’re straying into the territory of enabling them. Reach this point and they will think they can betray you and get away with it.

三振或更多次的话,你会误入授权他们胡来的迷域。到达这一步的话,他们会觉得背叛你不是什么事儿,就算背叛了也能侥幸逃脱。

Moving On 向前看

When you feel betrayed, it’s not something that can be dealt with too quickly. You need time to process everything that has happened and this will vary depending on the specific events.

当你感觉到被背叛的时候,要记住,这不是一下子就能解决的事情。你需要时间去消化每件事,而且事情都是各不相同的。

At first, you just have to do your best to cope with the storm of emotions inside while maintaining some semblance of a normal life. After all, you still have responsibilities to take care of.

首先,你要尽力在维持生活正常运转的同时应对你的情绪风暴。毕竟,你仍需要对你自己的生活负责。

In time, you’ll find you overcome the initial shock and start to heal your emotional wounds. As you recover from the ordeal, you’ll think less and less about it, and the emotions surrounding it will be fade.

之后,你会发现你战胜了最初的震惊,也开始治愈你的心理创伤。当你不再受这件事的折磨,你会对这件事的关注越来越少,再然后,各种情绪会掩去。

Eventually, you’ll be able to consign the betrayal to your past… at least for the most part. You may never be able to let go of it entirely, but it will no longer affect your life in any great way.

渐渐地,你能够把这次背叛放在过去……至少大部分事情放在过去。你可能一辈子都无法完全释怀,但是他再也无法影响你的生活了。加油,好姑娘。: )

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